On: Facebooking

On: Facebooking

Colleen Rogers

Having been a recent activator of a Facebook account (barely two years in), I have noted the following novice social media experiences--

The Over-shared:

I have had to acknowledge an embarrassingly personal realization—I have an obnoxious tendency to “put all of my business out there” in online posts.  Unfortunately, most of my "life shares" are of little or no interest or consequence to those I have “friended”.  No one, not even “friends”, actually wishes to see my perfectly flipped cake, the Valentine’s Day dinner I prepared for my husband, or my latest professional braggadocio certificate.  I look back, and all I can do is extend my heartfelt apologies, which I probably would also post online so that everyone could upgrade my sincerity quota. (Eye roll)

The Over-friended:

I really wanted everyone on Facebook to be my “friend” from the onset.  Who wouldn’t want as many friends as an online party bus could hold?   Unfortunately, I now wade through posts of minutia similar to my own to decipher what I really hold as valuable notices from my actual true friends.  I spend a daunting amount of time reviewing peoples’ motivational mantras, VonVon games, and second cousin twice removed photos of grand babies.  How did I get so sucked in to all these peoples’ inner circle?

The Over-invited:

I do not know how many invites I have had to play Candy Crush.  I cannot play this game, nor do I do any other forms of online diversions.  I suspect that these invites to game are merely a ruse to accrue a gaggle of points at the expense of a novice player.  Momma didn’t raise no fool—I happily avoid taking the bait so as not to look like the amateur I clearly would be.  ‘Nuff said. 

An additional issue in being over invited is that I have become a “plus one” in a series of “electronic chain letters” requiring me to “copy and paste” or “forward” expressions of love and support to “ten others”, etc.  When I was a teen, I carefully boarded the Karma train and diligently advanced such letters, not wishing to break the spell of goodwill for myself or others.  In my advanced age, though, it all seems like such a ridiculous effort.  I am certain that other shiftier misfortunes will befall me besides failing to add something to someone’s wall or timeline.  Mea culpa, everyone, but if YOU really can’t sleep without the forward, you do you.

The Over-opinionated:

An integral part of Facebooking is the recorded spar.  In the safety of your own home, it is so much easier to call Jenny McCarthy an idiot, or argue over the physical stance of Colin K., hence triggering an online Roman Coliseum challenge. Fast-fingered flame wars are both entertaining and exhausting on Facebook, but these leave an electronic trail, which is off-times forgotten as traceable.  Such editorial gymnastics may impact what was previously a more positive view of your “friend”.

The Overview:

The significant benefit of participating in Facebooking has been the chance to review the cherished lives of those you do not see regularly.  Exchanging photos of events, learning about life experiences that would have fallen by the wayside in the frenzy of your own, and seeing the vantage point of others’ perspectives has changed the world in ways we cannot even begin to conceive.  The chance to follow those you would have “lost” has expanded the ripples of your life, and has given each of our personal histories a richer dimension.

Graphic courtesy of:  
http://www.adweek.com/digital/a-teen-speaks-the-pros-and-cons-of-facebook/

    

On: Polarizing Presidencies and Race Relations

On:  Polarizing Presidencies and Race Relations

Colleen Rogers

With the inauguration of Donald Trump as an immediate antacid to the aperitif Presidency of Barack Obama, we need to ask ourselves what has shifted in the mood of our country, and try to analyze why we as a nation have taken such a sudden right turn.  In my humble opinion, the central core to our current polarization stems from the deep-rooted, unresolved racial tensions that have been walled in repressive captivity, held against an honest reveal.

The election of President Trump is perceived, and perhaps rightly so, as an indicator of White America’s “Negro fatigue”, “Blacklash”, or “Black-X-Sauce-tion". With the good faith election of two-termed President Obama, White America appeared to extend an olive branch of acknowledgement for injustices and inequities in many positions of leadership at the highest levels of governmental power. While serving, President Obama’s turn of allegiance to perceived symbols of Black "criminality" felt like a jolting betrayal to White Americans, who had used their majority votes to assure the President's election.  Obama’s telling statement:  "If I had a son, he'd look like Trayvon" confirmed the President’s alignment with the Chicago South Side African American community from which he came.  In spite of the President’s bi-racialism, it was his symbolic identification with a core Black culture that shocked middle America, and revealed his “true colors”.  The sudden mobilization of African Americans as a new generation of activists, (as evidenced in the Malcolm X inspired Super Bowl performance by Beyonce) enraged a sleeping White middle America.  At the onset of angry young Blacks’ protests, some of which triggered reactive criminal behavior, little old White ladies once again began to clutch their purses more tightly while shopping, as they did in the 1960’s.

Many White Americans have responded to this show of Black racial unity in tax-anger, electing a President who no doubt will eliminate or minimize minority targeted programs.  Entitlement advances, welfare subsidies, Section 8 housing, etc., will most likely now take a hit.  At the center of this lies a frustration and White sentiment that no matter what is provided to serve as a “leg up”, it will never be enough to cement the inclusion of the Black community into mainstream America.  The "perception" of African Americans as having a culture of irresponsibility, with an inability to acclimate or follow the rules of American standards, has heightened.   The perpetually boarded up HUD huts have caused many predominately White communities to refuse federal funding as an isolating tactic against urban blight.

White America is done—tired of funneling funds to what is now viewed as an unfixable state of affairs.  Neighborhoods with high crime rates (and the moral code theme “snitches get stitches”) are deplorable and cannot really be revised by vocal Black ministers and their charges. There is no longer a desire to understand and support such communities—isolationism is currently preferred over inclusion.  Any attempt to even say “some of my best friends are Black…” has suddenly been squelched.  It is hard for White America to understand why other people of color (Hispanics, Asians, Indians, etc.) seem to have no difficulty excelling as part of the collective in the U.S.  It is hard to comprehend, too, why African Americans broad brush White America as if Whites are from one homogeneous culture, with no distinctions in diverse ethnic upbringings or trials.  There seems to be a lack of recognition by the Black community of the hard-fought struggles to power exhibited by many other ethnic groups (i.e., “Irish need not apply” shut outs, Japanese internment camps, etc.).  The perpetual perceived slights and “unjustified” remuneration requirements by African Americans seem to finally be a never-ending form of “extortion” to the many White Americans.  While Blacks insist that they do not receive their fair share of the pie, much of that is attributable to population ratios in the country, and is not really a result of any prejudicial intent.  Additionally, the insistence by African Americans that they, themselves, cannot exhibit prejudices, but yet make cultural distinctions between light-skinned and dark-skinned people, is difficult to comprehend.  A race that perpetually screams having been served intolerance over skin color frowns upon gradients of their own. 

The Black community has had a public relations issue when it comes to promoting success that is not related to arena of athletics or entertainment.  Black contributions in science and medicine, social service and justice, invention and entrepreneurship are just small blips on the historic radar, only observed under a microscope during February’s Black history month.  The aspiration of so many Black young people who desire careers in athletics or as Hip Hop artists belies a limited world view of role models for advancement.

Perhaps the primitive resurgence of racial slurs and violence is a way of purging our anger as a precedent to dialogue, tolerance and, ultimately, understanding.  Right now, I don’t think so.

On: Teacher Peeves

On: Teacher Peeves
Colleen Rogers

As an opinionated older, if not sage, recently retired teacher, I have observed some initiatives over the past few years that have spurred my own polarizing sentiments.  Feel free to two cents your own considerations on the following:

On:  State Initiatives

Absolutes—Anything with the educational tagline “no” (i.e., No Child Left Behind) or "every” is fallacy.  These are abstract, lofty goals, but are realistically unattainable by teachers and their charges.  To keep trying to bulls eye state policies with exact precision using constrained classroom bows and arrows is ludicrous, and, worse yet, misguided service delivery to the public.  To state that “all” students or teachers can “absolutely” reach a goal is snake oil salesmanship and professionally dishonest.

Giveaways:  Many of the students I have taught have been the recipients of “freebies”—free computers, full tuition scholarships, etc.  Growing up in a working-class family myself, I am glad that I did not have this “assist”—I believe that what is given is truly not as treasured as what is earned.  I have seen students "pound jump" on top of school issued computers, drop out of college shortly after receiving full ride scholarships, etc.  Personal cost and sacrifice is necessary to appreciate projected value.  This should always be an imperative lesson for our students.  The hyper-acknowledgment of students with multiple seasonal or end of the term “celebrations”, and the issuance of minimally deserved awards and certificates is also over used—in life, one does not always receive accolades for “showing up” or even for “significant effort”.  Why misguide our students into believing that doing your best in tasks always necessitates a nod of recognition?  Why not promote that the internal value of positive effort bears its own prideful sense of accomplishment? 

Colleagues:  On Administrators

Absentee administrators—A principal needs to be a visible presence in a building.  Principals need to walk the halls, sub for teachers, talk to students, and occasionally buy the secretaries and janitors doughnuts.  From when we were first told about attending school by our parents, it was the Principal that we were expected to revere and sometimes fear.  As educators, we understand the chain of command and the division of labor among administrators, but parents and students in actuality do not.  Principals need to, at least superficially, show that they are behind their staff, and that they are making an effort to get to know the students they represent.  The best principals are dynamic promoters, convincing building staff and students alike that “their” building is one of safety, success and support.

Parent pacification—Parents have become puppets in connection with schools—their Master Puppeteers are their own children.  Children now have immediate access to Mom or Dad via cell phones or texting.  Parents, as if responding to a Bat Phone, now charge to the academic site of their child, in response to their offspring's any-complaints.  Parents, subsequently, require explanations for random scholastic or disciplinary decisions made by a classroom teacher.  But, before addressing the teacher personally, parents make a demanding pit stop at the administrative office.  Teachers are on-the-spot adjudicated by the Principal, the one from whom they should expect back up and support, and are generally ruled culpable of any alleged offense deemed egregious by the child in question.

What ultimately happens in these instances is that the child learns that, with enough deflecting and button pushing, misbehavior and poor conduct consequences are rigged in their favor.  Adults no longer run the home or the school building, and unified efforts toward community standards of conduct are nullified. Administrators need to shut this down at the door.  Otherwise, the score for responsibility training is:

Student:  3        
Teacher, Parent and Administrator:  0


In schools, appointments need to be made, teachers need to be vocally represented, parents need to follow board guidelines, and students must present their case in front of all the adults, who need to eyeball the child's veracity, as a team, before teacher “misdeeds” are given any credence. 


Staff meetings:  Who hasn’t said: “Why hold a meeting when an email will suffice?”  Why set up meeting agendas that are top down without the input of the instructors who will theater the targeted initiatives?  Why not give teachers from the same department or grade level an opportunity to utilize meeting time to address issues specific to their own content, forwarding action plans to their administrators for accountability?  Why is the majority of meeting time spent on state mandated directives that are a minimal track of assistance for the needs of students in our buildings?  With so many teachers stressed out and leaving the profession, why not occasionally designate a segment of meeting time for teachers to vent and get colleagues' support? 


On Colleagues:  Other Teachers

Co/Team Teaching:  Classroom instructional pairings should be abolished.  There, I said it.  No matter how you slice it, no two teachers sport the same instructional styles, practices on student discipline, models for record keeping, or classroom set ups.  Team teaching is confusing for the  students’ expectations of classroom leadership—it is never truly clear who is “large and in charge”.  The dual classroom management presented ends up being a “go ask your Dad” scenario.  Pairings sometimes spawn building issues and instructional comparatives—many partnerships are also flavored with complaints about the “work spouse” with whom a classroom is shared.  Team teaching results in a perpetual curricular “first date”, wherein no one wants to initiate bold student initiatives for fear of offending their “partner”.  Teachers should go lean and fly solo.

Teacher-Bullies—Many teachers do (sometimes daily) discuss a challenging student followed by a frustrated eye roll.  It is a way for teachers to blow off some steam, and the focus is on the behavior the student exhibits in class.  However, when a teacher creates an insulting bitmoji of the likenesses of a student to circulate to other staff, refers to students using racial slurs, or attacks a students’ physical attributes or emotional weaknesses, we have crossed the line.  Truly, teachers that verbally or physically confront students should be checked.  We all do need to carefully “dress down” students occasionally for conduct issues, but when the focus is on the student’s attributes over behavior, we are worse than the student bullies about whom we proclaim to have"zero tolerance". 

Faulty teacher modeling—This year, I worked with a teacher possessing all the qualities of a strong Dean.  An iron fisted classroom was her modus operandi and her calling card.  Noisily turning a textbook page inspired fear in her students.  Her strong leadership is certainly admirable.  But, as we shared class space, what I witnessed in her free period was a scene from “Bad Teacher”.  There she sat, yellow hoodie pulled down rapper-style over her eyes, gym shoed feet planted on a table top, with rapid fire texting being thumb pumped onto her cellphone.  All of this, of course, being done in front of the students whose phones she had confiscated, dress code violations she had contacted parents over, and slouchy posture for which she had issued student detentions.  In my day, this “do as I say, not as I do” registry would have gone unchallenged.  In this era, though, a student quickly self- advocates by pointing out the hypocrisy of such teacher behavior.  Teacher karma is mirror monitored by administrators, colleagues, parents, and students.  Students are fearless in adult remanding when trying to worm their way out of offensive behavior also exhibited by their own teacher.  Not a good idea to call out a girl for short skirts if you’re wearing a low-cut cleavage blessed top to school, teach.  You will eventually get checked.
   
On:  The Classroom


Team Projects for Students:  Minimize team projects for students as much as possible.  Inevitably, the same students are drivers, fast tracking toward the project’s destination, while other students (you know who they are) hitchhike, cruising for a shared, above their norm, grade.  Individual responsibility and accountability are likely to be dust in the wind, and the slacker ends up with an easy “A”, while the high achiever parks garaged resentments for the unfairness of it all.

Student Directed Projects:  In the world of “Project Based Learning”, many teachers permit students to select project topics, choose formats, etc. with the goal of inspiring inquisitive learning.  This is thought to be a high interest “spark” for students, and a pathway to motivate them toward true investigative exploration.  The problem is that our students live in a Google World, and are inclined to follow the "quick look-up route" on their way to a flimsy analysis of a theme. Their Wikipedia "research" is followed by submitting their "discovery" to a preordained plug and play format.  Teachers have to be more directive, not less, when planning projects to avert sketchy, superficial conclusions drawn by students who use misinformation found online.

Rubrics:  I have never written, used, or been assessed under a rubric that was truly a fair evaluation of a student project or a teacher evaluation.  With every rubric, there is an underlying current of subjectivity in assessment.  Rubrics are not a fact-based checklist--they are, instead, a personal view on the nuances of performance.  Both students and teachers are critical of outcomes in rubric evaluations because they are not “clean” or “irrefutable” measures of performance or effort.  For example, to mark a teacher as 'needing improvement" in a disciplinary domain is an unfair rating if the instructor has referred wayward students, without consequence, to the evaluating supervisor as part of prior disciplinary protocols.

Unappealing classroom arrangements or decor:  Many classrooms, other than science labs or art rooms, are now arranged with table seating.  The idea is to foster team planning or student grouping.  This type of seating makes testing difficult, is more challenging with student discipline, and is difficult for accommodating students with special visual or auditory needs.  Let students have their own non-shared work space (a.k.a., desks).    By minimizing the sidebars of their classmates, students have a better chance to focus on their own learning styles and productivity. 

With respect to classroom decor, many teachers no longer show pride in the instructional environment—posters are not hung, student work is not displayed, and classrooms are disorderly and disorganized.  With the realization that many teachers “pony up” their own funds for students’ surroundings, creative ways can still be found to make the students’ learning environment a model of pride.  Check Pinterest (wink).

On:  Technology
    
Dual Bladed Technology—Technology in the classroom deserves its own discourse, but it is both an instructional dream and a social nightmare.  Today as instructors, we are in computerized living color—we can make things come to life in 3D, augment lectures, show student presentations, and add sound, light, and movement to every concept imaginable for our students' benefit.  Students can now build models and clearly see a vision of their future.  For teachers, lesson planning, grade averaging, and posting assignments is breezier and much easier to coordinate with colleagues, administrators and students.  Parent communication and student discipline outcomes can be tracked, and state mandate targets can be assessed.  The downside to all of this, of course, is our hyper reliance on all that is techno.  This is now part and package to the core of teaching, and when technology fails to perform, we are stymied.  If the cash register breaks down, we cannot make change.  With online “texts” and coordinated instructional software as our primary teaching tools, we don’t always have a reliable Plan B if it all shuts down.  Additionally, there is now a "flatness" to our school tools—students will never again have the sensation of going to a library, selecting a text from a musky shelf, turning pages, and checking out something "sweat" published and tactile, something with a unique feel and claim.

The human X factor of interactive support from a favorite teacher or coach is also diminishing.  The division between tech and human is now blurrier to students.  Students partially learn from a inanimate box.  Students tech-access both classwork and home gaming, which essentially causes a matched sensation with both schoolwork and leisure.  I think that these parallels make it more difficult for students to discern class work as knowledge acquisition and human connection from computerized free time "play".  These are skill sets that no longer differ as significantly, and cause students to slip on distinctions.

I think that the most fearful impact of technology will be with students socially.  Students today may be boarding the techno-Titanic, barely lifting their heads above the perilous waters of Instagram and Snap Chat.  The increases in online bullying, posted suicides, and horrifying acts of violence flagship the ways in which our students have a disconnect with the real life outcomes of behaviors shown on social media.  In my high school and junior high classrooms, it was apparent that every free moment students had was peppered with gaming or texting.  Confiscating a student's phone was nearly tantamount to removing a kidney, or so it would seem.  Many students seem to use devises in an attempt to further isolate, or as a way to goad or bully other students. Using technology seems to form almost extremist ploys for attention for some students, while it advances the off-the-grid loneliness of others.  Without a fear of face to face confrontations, students speak without censure.  Without a fear of awkward interactions, students stare down at their screen and avoid eye contact with peers.  This over reliance on technology as a substitute for real friendships, and the failure to comprehend the gravity of online conduct concerns me as my students threshold a newer, more multi-dimensional, era of technological advancements.

I realize that many of my perspectives are curmudgeony and "throwback", but many times a reversal to educational tried and true mentorships is what students will hold fast as memories.  Personal connections still retain the greatest impact on students' future social behavior.  With all of our technology, it still always comes back to students' perennial first-day-of-school question: "Who is your teacher?"

With every teacher, there are ire provoking "triggers" unique to grade level, district, or number of years teaching--feel free to comment on your "hot spots" as well...  

Clipart chosen from:
http://clipart-library.com/mad-teacher-cliparts.html

On: Working Urban

On:  Working Urban
Colleen Rogers

Tomorrow I quit working in a blight town, a town with the gravitational pull of stuck.  It is the third such town of my professional life.  It is a town with a nickname that sounds like a prison moniker.  It is a sad boil of a place, a town that is stitch scarred down the middle with the trains that bisect it, annoying any commuter wrapped in the extension cord of its joylessness.  The town’s billboards are of Gentlemen’s Clubs, Earning Money by Recycling, and Social Service Agencies. 

It is a town of contrasts—State-of-the-Art Municipal Buildings aligned with homes of elegant bones in disrepair, like cancerous ballerinas.  The hues of the town are a contrast of government functionality (grey-browns), with the primary colors of New Delhi Yellow, Cranial Lava Red, and Electric Cobalt Blue.  It is a jarring mismatch and a hodgepodge.  Vacant places are moss stained and shredded wheat boarded.  Cramped, unsanitary bodegas sell uninspected food, as do unsavory food stops with cigar stained windows.

The people who live there are like the “Walkers” in Zombie films—they travel about, loud in their crazy, dodging singed potholes and the hazards of snow piles that City has left unaddressed.  They hold on to chain link fences, struggling with the balance of sooty bags as they shuffle home.

I taught children there.  They were hustlers, scrappy and savvy, and somehow older than me.  They knew how to get the best deals on electronic equipment, and all the workarounds and scams in life that I was devoid of requiring.  We gave them lots of freebies—free computers, free educational programs and handouts, and free ride scholarships.  I fluxed between feeling grateful for the extra assists they received, and angry that they got things handed to them in the first place. 

The students I taught were talented…every performance I saw them give was more of a “proving” than something spotty-theatrical.  I would wonder why all the show they had was never exhibited daily in class with a consistent, non-stopgap demonstration of progress.

I have given my life to such places, and I am tired.  When I was young, I felt the heart-tug of world-changing efforts, as do my young colleagues now.  They do not understand why, in mid-year, I can no longer stay with the children we serve.  It is just that my tenacious tendons of hope have finally and definitively tight rope snapped.

I can no longer be an enthusiastic advocate, and I realize that what is here cannot be changed.  The visible reality belies the denial of promise, and I find it difficult to watch my colleagues’ earnestness, knowing what assuredly lies ahead.  

Many days now I wish I had had the comfy office.  Piped in music, carpeting beneath my feet, and janitors whisking away each crumb from my desk while I lay asleep at home beneath satin sheets.  The harshness of my professional life has gone largely unappreciated, with work heartily critiqued by bosses who failed to provide minimal support or any bolstering accolades for effort.

I recognize now that the gentility of some souls is not always a match for an urban shore.  Perhaps some of us were not really meant to “change” things in other neighborhoods, or assimilate ourselves into places from which we did not come.  Perhaps we do so with the faulty belief that our lives are somehow more “advanced” than other ways. What if we feel an erroneous compulsion to “instruct” others to follow our lead?  What if this is not the path for many communities to take?  What if the established culture of the homes therein is truly the best life option for the residents?  What if our efforts to assist are in actuality a meddling and unappreciated act of gift giving?

I do not know the answer to these questions.  I only know that I am overwhelmed now at the thought of a life of futile service.  I pray for a sign tomorrow that there might be one small claim of victory that I might observe.   I will need to count this, for now, as a speck of vindication and a solitary moment of joy. 

On: Evaluating Boss Types

On Evaluating Bosses—Which Type Is Yours?

Colleen Rogers

Having had a reasonably long professional career, I have been privy to some interesting administrative supervision.  I have categorized some of my bosses, and have also tried to sort out the reasons they are maddening to work for, and why people eventually leave while under their direction.  I am using the pronoun “HE’ in my descriptors for ease, but these characteristics apply to women admins as well—any gender can wear the chapeau of ass-hattery while running it all.  Check out some of my most obnoxious boss types ever:  

The Bossy Boss—This is the Boss Squared.  If he is an older CEO, he probably runs a family-owned business, or has been long-standing in his supervisory role.  He is resistant to change, and it’s his way or the highway.  He will say things like: “the way we’ve always done it works…I see no need to change things now”.  You know early on that any innovations you imagined when were hired are tabled for your next corporate puddle jump.  If your Bossy Boss is a young Glossy Boss, get ready to prepare for Narcissistic Bossdumb.  He will look the corporate part, but he treats the workplace like a hazing 80’s frat house.  He will steal every idea you promote, claiming each as his own, and is a soulless cheater devoid of any conscience.  He may call his supervisor Daddy. 

The Cross Boss—The Cross Boss is explosive—he time bombs everyone’s decisions, every day, all the time.  His volatility makes the workplace a perpetually stressful environment, with long days required to meet his exacting, impossible standards.  Though he never has the grabber, by working for him, it is guaranteed that you will.   

The Hoss Boss—The Hoss Boss is a Big, Jolly Santa Boss.  It seems like he would make the workplace a joyous corporate wonderland.  Only problem is the Hoss Boss approves and agrees to everything, which leads to departmental infighting and budgetary scrambling.  You always have the sense that a box fiscal dominoes will be what be what is under your annual bonus tree.

The Loss Boss—This boss overspends and leaves staff with job insecurities and threats of biting cutbacks.  He takes a lot of unsound investment chances, and sees himself as a risk-taking innovator, but he makes the corporate leaps without dollar parachutes. 

The Moss Boss—Disorganized and chaotic, it is difficult to manage his corporate work site, the supply warehouse, or shipments and distribution.  He has his own internal management system, one that is completely un-deciphered by anyone else in the company.  You will often find him asleep on the dock, looking homeless, and mumbling I know I left that around here somewhere.  If you prefer a non-addled state of functionality, eat your doughnut elsewhere.  Unless, of course, you don’t mind witnessing the most disgusting five-second rule ever.

The Sauce Boss—This boss imbibes at work…a lot.  Even though he is a big hit at the office holiday party, his drinking makes him unreliable.  He disappears for periods of time, and his good time Charlie salesmanship eventually wears thin with customers when his can’t deliver on his promises.  Covering for him is taxing, and you’re the one who ends up in rehab.

The Toss Boss—This is the Donald Trump of bosses…he utters “your fired”as frequently as your uncle throws horseshoes at a family reunion.  You end up training more people than Daycare teachers, and you eventually stop showing people where the break room is located on their tour of the facility.

Which of these reps your boss?   If you work for any of these types, it's time to quit, or ask for that raise before your next annual review.

Image of Michael Scott from the following link:
https://www.tvfanatic.com/slideshows/17-memorable-tv-bosses/

On: Leavings

On:  Leavings

Colleen Rogers

In a couple of weeks, I am leaving something behind.  On reflection, I know that my choice to go is intellectually correct, but emotionally there is this murkiness, and I withstand an awkward sensation of brave-gulping over a precipice leap.  Like most such decisions for change, "clarity'" is not marked decidedly like Stonehenge.  There are people I am leaving behind that I am fond of, and quirks in the place's pace that I will remember as endearing.  

I wonder why the forks in our roads, even when they have definite directional signs, still trigger a queasy period of adjustment and discomfort.  

 
Every one of these necessitated landline switches...

--it's not the right person for me

--it's not my best fit professionally

--it's not where I want to be living

...is packaged with re-adjustment clocks and periods of self-doubt.  Even after I have made a clear commitment, circled my wagons, and got out of Dodge, I have paid a timeshare of emotional re-organization...

...it is only then that I think of my Red-Headed Boy.

Many years ago, lunar lifetimes past, I fell in love with a Red Headed Boy.  I met him at a wedding reception, and took the setting as a sign of our fated romantic destiny.  We were together for an illustrious and infamous couple of years.  I held no cards toward our love's outcome, and lost every hand paddling to commitment.  Pruned and waterlogged after hanging onto the life raft of the relationship, I finally let go and drifted to shore alone.  I quietly sunbathed, read, and "worked on myself", retreating to an island of self-preservation.  It was then that I met my husband, and (without the foretold melodramatic references) I found an unyielding romance that has shored my world.  And so...

If it had not been for a "leaving", there would have been no "finding"...without the scary cliffs from which we each soar, there would be no elevated life adventures.  It is our leavings, these choices, that shove us toward richly spirited lives.  Our sense of controlling selections may not be genuine in the universe's standards, but our chance-takings fit the quests we need for our determined joy.  Finally, with my own settled contentment, I hope that the Red Headed Boy is happy with his "leaving" as well.       

 

On: Home Improvements with Strangers

Nice guy you don't know (yet) working in your inner sanctum

On: Home Improvements with Strangers
Colleen Rogers

There is nothing more awkward than having people you don't know...do things you have to trust them to do...while they wander around messing in...your own home.  The palpable discomfort that this scenario inspires is nearly horror movie epic.  

"An abode of doom, set recognizable for anyone who lives under at least a non-lean-to shack.  There's appears to be a structural problem therein.  You call some guy you did not find on Angie's List.  He eventually sends a Shady Someone Cousin.  You are desperate, so you do not fact check Pentagon clearance on the Repairman.  Through gauzy curtains you see that he has a truck---they always have a deep bed truck.  You let him in...he mumbles a price.  He starts to work on what is "mysteriously off".  The Handyman freely traverses the freeway of your residence for days turning off water, lights, heat. He doesn't seem to have a clear plan, and you begin to shiver thirsty in the cold and dark, praying for tool pack-up or your own demise, whichever comes first.  You ultimately agree to pay whatever estimate he whisper-panted just to get him off your premises.  He said he did not have just what he needed to finish the job at hand today, so you finally scream for the barbed wire...anything just to complete days of interminable torture."

In actuality, though, the table-turning repair/remodeling experiences I have muscled through in my house have been generally favorable.  With research and referrals, I have been able to work with true professionals and masters of their crafts, and have avoided major mishaps.  I do still have, while undergoing such experiences, an abiding sense of dis-ease when my home suddenly becomes a "work site".  Just as our in-laws used to attest to the fact that "no home is big enough for two families", such as it is with you and your repair/construction team.  There's always that "first-date", "guest-stayed-too-long" bumbling undercurrent.  Yes, your house is their job site...but, it is also where you shower and change, talk to your dog, kiss your spouse (occasionally), and generate the perfume of dinner.  The comfortable breeze of your residence is suddenly construct-errupted; your home now takes on the air of  a Hollywood set.  Your "crew" breaks down the scenery while you self-consciously spit out the lines of your daily routine.  You tweak your behaviors, and you find yourself acting like a "lady who lunches", or a fifties' sitcom Mom.  Unwittingly, you conceal the over-casual nature of your home. You begin to say things to your husband like, "Oh, whatever shall I prepare for dinner this evening, D-a-r-l-i-n-g?"  It is akin to looking behind you when you trip to see what it was that could ever have defeated your surefootedness.  Evidently, it's a Martha Stewart "good thing" to clean up your "residential house" in order to clean up your personal one as well.  Looking forward to my shiny new doors...