On: Being Childless on Mother’s Day

On: Being Childless on Mother’s Day

Colleen Rogers

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. As a “women of age”, I once again find the difficulty of this particular holiday a dull annual ache.  Having lost my Mother fifteen years ago, I can no longer focus this deserving celebration on her magical, wonderful presence in my life.  Instead, I now feel my attention fully diverted to my own personal loss and grief.  Very early on in my marriage, I did not carry two children to term.  I thought both times, upon the loss of each child and the ensuing pain, that this would not be the finale of my options to bear children. My husband and I even purchased a long wooden dining table for large family holidays, and I envisioned my son requesting that Mom fix him his favorite dinner on his birthday—a dish that his own wife could never quite approximate.

Unfortunately, at some point, the blessing of childbirth no longer became a life option for me.  Although I have been blessed with the "maternal" fulfillment of teaching school, and being the “fun Auntie”, the miss of motherhood is always present in my heart.  On many days, there is this stabbing sense of a “destiny unfulfilled”.  I am aware that I can never truly understand the magnitude of seeing your own child take first steps, learn to talk, or graduate from school. 

When someone wished me the sing-song “Happy Mother’s Day” at work, there is always the heart sinking realization that the greeting does not truly apply to me, and I suddenly feel somewhat fraudulent as a woman.  I acknowledge their kind exchange with a thank you, knowing that no harm was intended, but I also realize that the undercurrent of any woman’s life is an expectation of motherhood.  I have thought so many times about why I feel the loss of motherhood so deeply, and I believe in part that I am missing the insurmountable victory that every woman discovers as a Mom.  Most Moms, in spite of their unyielding fears, win over…

…the torturous pains of childbirth

…the comforting of the first boo-boo

…the encouragement after falls from the first bike ride

…the counseling on dealing with the school bully

…the struggle over school work

…the tears over break ups

…the relief after fender benders

…the realization that they’re “off on their own"

…the biting-the-tongue over life choices and decisions

…the giving back of grandchildren after visits

No non-Moms can truly celebrate those deepest of accomplishments, or conquer the trail of tears toward these victories.  These badge of honors, for us non- Moms, can never be claimed experiences, and we know it.  We will never have the chance to watch the person we created "emerge", or view our children begin a next generation, realizing that we have truly carried something into forever.  Non-Moms stand aside with the greatest respect, acknowledging our personal loss.  

With all the celebrations of “women in the workplace”, and the equality stances for woman as professionals, the ultimate universal triumph for woman at their core will eternally be that life-altering first cuddle.  It is what no man can ever experience, and what all woman, at some primal level, hope to sensation.  This is the reason that on this day we pause to recognize Moms with so many heartfelt tokens of appreciation…

…the handmade gifts and cards

…the breakfasts in bed

…the Sunday brunches

…the flowers and candy

These recognitions are so significant and so profoundly well-deserved, that they can never be offered to childless women or any women "just working in an office".  So today and every day I wish Moms...

blessings and prayers for exacting the impossible with grace and wisdom.

Happy Mothers’ Day, with awe and admiration, from 

a Non-Mom



Artwork courtesy of:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/family/10-things-never-say-childless-woman-50-believe/

 

On: Facebooking

On: Facebooking

Colleen Rogers

Having been a recent activator of a Facebook account (barely two years in), I have noted the following novice social media experiences--

The Over-shared:

I have had to acknowledge an embarrassingly personal realization—I have an obnoxious tendency to “put all of my business out there” in online posts.  Unfortunately, most of my "life shares" are of little or no interest or consequence to those I have “friended”.  No one, not even “friends”, actually wishes to see my perfectly flipped cake, the Valentine’s Day dinner I prepared for my husband, or my latest professional braggadocio certificate.  I look back, and all I can do is extend my heartfelt apologies, which I probably would also post online so that everyone could upgrade my sincerity quota. (Eye roll)

The Over-friended:

I really wanted everyone on Facebook to be my “friend” from the onset.  Who wouldn’t want as many friends as an online party bus could hold?   Unfortunately, I now wade through posts of minutia similar to my own to decipher what I really hold as valuable notices from my actual true friends.  I spend a daunting amount of time reviewing peoples’ motivational mantras, VonVon games, and second cousin twice removed photos of grand babies.  How did I get so sucked in to all these peoples’ inner circle?

The Over-invited:

I do not know how many invites I have had to play Candy Crush.  I cannot play this game, nor do I do any other forms of online diversions.  I suspect that these invites to game are merely a ruse to accrue a gaggle of points at the expense of a novice player.  Momma didn’t raise no fool—I happily avoid taking the bait so as not to look like the amateur I clearly would be.  ‘Nuff said. 

An additional issue in being over invited is that I have become a “plus one” in a series of “electronic chain letters” requiring me to “copy and paste” or “forward” expressions of love and support to “ten others”, etc.  When I was a teen, I carefully boarded the Karma train and diligently advanced such letters, not wishing to break the spell of goodwill for myself or others.  In my advanced age, though, it all seems like such a ridiculous effort.  I am certain that other shiftier misfortunes will befall me besides failing to add something to someone’s wall or timeline.  Mea culpa, everyone, but if YOU really can’t sleep without the forward, you do you.

The Over-opinionated:

An integral part of Facebooking is the recorded spar.  In the safety of your own home, it is so much easier to call Jenny McCarthy an idiot, or argue over the physical stance of Colin K., hence triggering an online Roman Coliseum challenge. Fast-fingered flame wars are both entertaining and exhausting on Facebook, but these leave an electronic trail, which is off-times forgotten as traceable.  Such editorial gymnastics may impact what was previously a more positive view of your “friend”.

The Overview:

The significant benefit of participating in Facebooking has been the chance to review the cherished lives of those you do not see regularly.  Exchanging photos of events, learning about life experiences that would have fallen by the wayside in the frenzy of your own, and seeing the vantage point of others’ perspectives has changed the world in ways we cannot even begin to conceive.  The chance to follow those you would have “lost” has expanded the ripples of your life, and has given each of our personal histories a richer dimension.

Graphic courtesy of:  
http://www.adweek.com/digital/a-teen-speaks-the-pros-and-cons-of-facebook/

    

On: Polarizing Presidencies and Race Relations

On:  Polarizing Presidencies and Race Relations

Colleen Rogers

With the inauguration of Donald Trump as an immediate antacid to the aperitif Presidency of Barack Obama, we need to ask ourselves what has shifted in the mood of our country, and try to analyze why we as a nation have taken such a sudden right turn.  In my humble opinion, the central core to our current polarization stems from the deep-rooted, unresolved racial tensions that have been walled in repressive captivity, held against an honest reveal.

The election of President Trump is perceived, and perhaps rightly so, as an indicator of White America’s “Negro fatigue”, “Blacklash”, or “Black-X-Sauce-tion". With the good faith election of two-termed President Obama, White America appeared to extend an olive branch of acknowledgement for injustices and inequities in many positions of leadership at the highest levels of governmental power. While serving, President Obama’s turn of allegiance to perceived symbols of Black "criminality" felt like a jolting betrayal to White Americans, who had used their majority votes to assure the President's election.  Obama’s telling statement:  "If I had a son, he'd look like Trayvon" confirmed the President’s alignment with the Chicago South Side African American community from which he came.  In spite of the President’s bi-racialism, it was his symbolic identification with a core Black culture that shocked middle America, and revealed his “true colors”.  The sudden mobilization of African Americans as a new generation of activists, (as evidenced in the Malcolm X inspired Super Bowl performance by Beyonce) enraged a sleeping White middle America.  At the onset of angry young Blacks’ protests, some of which triggered reactive criminal behavior, little old White ladies once again began to clutch their purses more tightly while shopping, as they did in the 1960’s.

Many White Americans have responded to this show of Black racial unity in tax-anger, electing a President who no doubt will eliminate or minimize minority targeted programs.  Entitlement advances, welfare subsidies, Section 8 housing, etc., will most likely now take a hit.  At the center of this lies a frustration and White sentiment that no matter what is provided to serve as a “leg up”, it will never be enough to cement the inclusion of the Black community into mainstream America.  The "perception" of African Americans as having a culture of irresponsibility, with an inability to acclimate or follow the rules of American standards, has heightened.   The perpetually boarded up HUD huts have caused many predominately White communities to refuse federal funding as an isolating tactic against urban blight.

White America is done—tired of funneling funds to what is now viewed as an unfixable state of affairs.  Neighborhoods with high crime rates (and the moral code theme “snitches get stitches”) are deplorable and cannot really be revised by vocal Black ministers and their charges. There is no longer a desire to understand and support such communities—isolationism is currently preferred over inclusion.  Any attempt to even say “some of my best friends are Black…” has suddenly been squelched.  It is hard for White America to understand why other people of color (Hispanics, Asians, Indians, etc.) seem to have no difficulty excelling as part of the collective in the U.S.  It is hard to comprehend, too, why African Americans broad brush White America as if Whites are from one homogeneous culture, with no distinctions in diverse ethnic upbringings or trials.  There seems to be a lack of recognition by the Black community of the hard-fought struggles to power exhibited by many other ethnic groups (i.e., “Irish need not apply” shut outs, Japanese internment camps, etc.).  The perpetual perceived slights and “unjustified” remuneration requirements by African Americans seem to finally be a never-ending form of “extortion” to the many White Americans.  While Blacks insist that they do not receive their fair share of the pie, much of that is attributable to population ratios in the country, and is not really a result of any prejudicial intent.  Additionally, the insistence by African Americans that they, themselves, cannot exhibit prejudices, but yet make cultural distinctions between light-skinned and dark-skinned people, is difficult to comprehend.  A race that perpetually screams having been served intolerance over skin color frowns upon gradients of their own. 

The Black community has had a public relations issue when it comes to promoting success that is not related to arena of athletics or entertainment.  Black contributions in science and medicine, social service and justice, invention and entrepreneurship are just small blips on the historic radar, only observed under a microscope during February’s Black history month.  The aspiration of so many Black young people who desire careers in athletics or as Hip Hop artists belies a limited world view of role models for advancement.

Perhaps the primitive resurgence of racial slurs and violence is a way of purging our anger as a precedent to dialogue, tolerance and, ultimately, understanding.  Right now, I don’t think so.

On: Teacher Peeves

On: Teacher Peeves
Colleen Rogers

As an opinionated older, if not sage, recently retired teacher, I have observed some initiatives over the past few years that have spurred my own polarizing sentiments.  Feel free to two cents your own considerations on the following:

On:  State Initiatives

Absolutes—Anything with the educational tagline “no” (i.e., No Child Left Behind) or "every” is fallacy.  These are abstract, lofty goals, but are realistically unattainable by teachers and their charges.  To keep trying to bulls eye state policies with exact precision using constrained classroom bows and arrows is ludicrous, and, worse yet, misguided service delivery to the public.  To state that “all” students or teachers can “absolutely” reach a goal is snake oil salesmanship and professionally dishonest.

Giveaways:  Many of the students I have taught have been the recipients of “freebies”—free computers, full tuition scholarships, etc.  Growing up in a working-class family myself, I am glad that I did not have this “assist”—I believe that what is given is truly not as treasured as what is earned.  I have seen students "pound jump" on top of school issued computers, drop out of college shortly after receiving full ride scholarships, etc.  Personal cost and sacrifice is necessary to appreciate projected value.  This should always be an imperative lesson for our students.  The hyper-acknowledgment of students with multiple seasonal or end of the term “celebrations”, and the issuance of minimally deserved awards and certificates is also over used—in life, one does not always receive accolades for “showing up” or even for “significant effort”.  Why misguide our students into believing that doing your best in tasks always necessitates a nod of recognition?  Why not promote that the internal value of positive effort bears its own prideful sense of accomplishment? 

Colleagues:  On Administrators

Absentee administrators—A principal needs to be a visible presence in a building.  Principals need to walk the halls, sub for teachers, talk to students, and occasionally buy the secretaries and janitors doughnuts.  From when we were first told about attending school by our parents, it was the Principal that we were expected to revere and sometimes fear.  As educators, we understand the chain of command and the division of labor among administrators, but parents and students in actuality do not.  Principals need to, at least superficially, show that they are behind their staff, and that they are making an effort to get to know the students they represent.  The best principals are dynamic promoters, convincing building staff and students alike that “their” building is one of safety, success and support.

Parent pacification—Parents have become puppets in connection with schools—their Master Puppeteers are their own children.  Children now have immediate access to Mom or Dad via cell phones or texting.  Parents, as if responding to a Bat Phone, now charge to the academic site of their child, in response to their offspring's any-complaints.  Parents, subsequently, require explanations for random scholastic or disciplinary decisions made by a classroom teacher.  But, before addressing the teacher personally, parents make a demanding pit stop at the administrative office.  Teachers are on-the-spot adjudicated by the Principal, the one from whom they should expect back up and support, and are generally ruled culpable of any alleged offense deemed egregious by the child in question.

What ultimately happens in these instances is that the child learns that, with enough deflecting and button pushing, misbehavior and poor conduct consequences are rigged in their favor.  Adults no longer run the home or the school building, and unified efforts toward community standards of conduct are nullified. Administrators need to shut this down at the door.  Otherwise, the score for responsibility training is:

Student:  3        
Teacher, Parent and Administrator:  0


In schools, appointments need to be made, teachers need to be vocally represented, parents need to follow board guidelines, and students must present their case in front of all the adults, who need to eyeball the child's veracity, as a team, before teacher “misdeeds” are given any credence. 


Staff meetings:  Who hasn’t said: “Why hold a meeting when an email will suffice?”  Why set up meeting agendas that are top down without the input of the instructors who will theater the targeted initiatives?  Why not give teachers from the same department or grade level an opportunity to utilize meeting time to address issues specific to their own content, forwarding action plans to their administrators for accountability?  Why is the majority of meeting time spent on state mandated directives that are a minimal track of assistance for the needs of students in our buildings?  With so many teachers stressed out and leaving the profession, why not occasionally designate a segment of meeting time for teachers to vent and get colleagues' support? 


On Colleagues:  Other Teachers

Co/Team Teaching:  Classroom instructional pairings should be abolished.  There, I said it.  No matter how you slice it, no two teachers sport the same instructional styles, practices on student discipline, models for record keeping, or classroom set ups.  Team teaching is confusing for the  students’ expectations of classroom leadership—it is never truly clear who is “large and in charge”.  The dual classroom management presented ends up being a “go ask your Dad” scenario.  Pairings sometimes spawn building issues and instructional comparatives—many partnerships are also flavored with complaints about the “work spouse” with whom a classroom is shared.  Team teaching results in a perpetual curricular “first date”, wherein no one wants to initiate bold student initiatives for fear of offending their “partner”.  Teachers should go lean and fly solo.

Teacher-Bullies—Many teachers do (sometimes daily) discuss a challenging student followed by a frustrated eye roll.  It is a way for teachers to blow off some steam, and the focus is on the behavior the student exhibits in class.  However, when a teacher creates an insulting bitmoji of the likenesses of a student to circulate to other staff, refers to students using racial slurs, or attacks a students’ physical attributes or emotional weaknesses, we have crossed the line.  Truly, teachers that verbally or physically confront students should be checked.  We all do need to carefully “dress down” students occasionally for conduct issues, but when the focus is on the student’s attributes over behavior, we are worse than the student bullies about whom we proclaim to have"zero tolerance". 

Faulty teacher modeling—This year, I worked with a teacher possessing all the qualities of a strong Dean.  An iron fisted classroom was her modus operandi and her calling card.  Noisily turning a textbook page inspired fear in her students.  Her strong leadership is certainly admirable.  But, as we shared class space, what I witnessed in her free period was a scene from “Bad Teacher”.  There she sat, yellow hoodie pulled down rapper-style over her eyes, gym shoed feet planted on a table top, with rapid fire texting being thumb pumped onto her cellphone.  All of this, of course, being done in front of the students whose phones she had confiscated, dress code violations she had contacted parents over, and slouchy posture for which she had issued student detentions.  In my day, this “do as I say, not as I do” registry would have gone unchallenged.  In this era, though, a student quickly self- advocates by pointing out the hypocrisy of such teacher behavior.  Teacher karma is mirror monitored by administrators, colleagues, parents, and students.  Students are fearless in adult remanding when trying to worm their way out of offensive behavior also exhibited by their own teacher.  Not a good idea to call out a girl for short skirts if you’re wearing a low-cut cleavage blessed top to school, teach.  You will eventually get checked.
   
On:  The Classroom


Team Projects for Students:  Minimize team projects for students as much as possible.  Inevitably, the same students are drivers, fast tracking toward the project’s destination, while other students (you know who they are) hitchhike, cruising for a shared, above their norm, grade.  Individual responsibility and accountability are likely to be dust in the wind, and the slacker ends up with an easy “A”, while the high achiever parks garaged resentments for the unfairness of it all.

Student Directed Projects:  In the world of “Project Based Learning”, many teachers permit students to select project topics, choose formats, etc. with the goal of inspiring inquisitive learning.  This is thought to be a high interest “spark” for students, and a pathway to motivate them toward true investigative exploration.  The problem is that our students live in a Google World, and are inclined to follow the "quick look-up route" on their way to a flimsy analysis of a theme. Their Wikipedia "research" is followed by submitting their "discovery" to a preordained plug and play format.  Teachers have to be more directive, not less, when planning projects to avert sketchy, superficial conclusions drawn by students who use misinformation found online.

Rubrics:  I have never written, used, or been assessed under a rubric that was truly a fair evaluation of a student project or a teacher evaluation.  With every rubric, there is an underlying current of subjectivity in assessment.  Rubrics are not a fact-based checklist--they are, instead, a personal view on the nuances of performance.  Both students and teachers are critical of outcomes in rubric evaluations because they are not “clean” or “irrefutable” measures of performance or effort.  For example, to mark a teacher as 'needing improvement" in a disciplinary domain is an unfair rating if the instructor has referred wayward students, without consequence, to the evaluating supervisor as part of prior disciplinary protocols.

Unappealing classroom arrangements or decor:  Many classrooms, other than science labs or art rooms, are now arranged with table seating.  The idea is to foster team planning or student grouping.  This type of seating makes testing difficult, is more challenging with student discipline, and is difficult for accommodating students with special visual or auditory needs.  Let students have their own non-shared work space (a.k.a., desks).    By minimizing the sidebars of their classmates, students have a better chance to focus on their own learning styles and productivity. 

With respect to classroom decor, many teachers no longer show pride in the instructional environment—posters are not hung, student work is not displayed, and classrooms are disorderly and disorganized.  With the realization that many teachers “pony up” their own funds for students’ surroundings, creative ways can still be found to make the students’ learning environment a model of pride.  Check Pinterest (wink).

On:  Technology
    
Dual Bladed Technology—Technology in the classroom deserves its own discourse, but it is both an instructional dream and a social nightmare.  Today as instructors, we are in computerized living color—we can make things come to life in 3D, augment lectures, show student presentations, and add sound, light, and movement to every concept imaginable for our students' benefit.  Students can now build models and clearly see a vision of their future.  For teachers, lesson planning, grade averaging, and posting assignments is breezier and much easier to coordinate with colleagues, administrators and students.  Parent communication and student discipline outcomes can be tracked, and state mandate targets can be assessed.  The downside to all of this, of course, is our hyper reliance on all that is techno.  This is now part and package to the core of teaching, and when technology fails to perform, we are stymied.  If the cash register breaks down, we cannot make change.  With online “texts” and coordinated instructional software as our primary teaching tools, we don’t always have a reliable Plan B if it all shuts down.  Additionally, there is now a "flatness" to our school tools—students will never again have the sensation of going to a library, selecting a text from a musky shelf, turning pages, and checking out something "sweat" published and tactile, something with a unique feel and claim.

The human X factor of interactive support from a favorite teacher or coach is also diminishing.  The division between tech and human is now blurrier to students.  Students partially learn from a inanimate box.  Students tech-access both classwork and home gaming, which essentially causes a matched sensation with both schoolwork and leisure.  I think that these parallels make it more difficult for students to discern class work as knowledge acquisition and human connection from computerized free time "play".  These are skill sets that no longer differ as significantly, and cause students to slip on distinctions.

I think that the most fearful impact of technology will be with students socially.  Students today may be boarding the techno-Titanic, barely lifting their heads above the perilous waters of Instagram and Snap Chat.  The increases in online bullying, posted suicides, and horrifying acts of violence flagship the ways in which our students have a disconnect with the real life outcomes of behaviors shown on social media.  In my high school and junior high classrooms, it was apparent that every free moment students had was peppered with gaming or texting.  Confiscating a student's phone was nearly tantamount to removing a kidney, or so it would seem.  Many students seem to use devises in an attempt to further isolate, or as a way to goad or bully other students. Using technology seems to form almost extremist ploys for attention for some students, while it advances the off-the-grid loneliness of others.  Without a fear of face to face confrontations, students speak without censure.  Without a fear of awkward interactions, students stare down at their screen and avoid eye contact with peers.  This over reliance on technology as a substitute for real friendships, and the failure to comprehend the gravity of online conduct concerns me as my students threshold a newer, more multi-dimensional, era of technological advancements.

I realize that many of my perspectives are curmudgeony and "throwback", but many times a reversal to educational tried and true mentorships is what students will hold fast as memories.  Personal connections still retain the greatest impact on students' future social behavior.  With all of our technology, it still always comes back to students' perennial first-day-of-school question: "Who is your teacher?"

With every teacher, there are ire provoking "triggers" unique to grade level, district, or number of years teaching--feel free to comment on your "hot spots" as well...  

Clipart chosen from:
http://clipart-library.com/mad-teacher-cliparts.html