On: Being Childless
on Mother’s Day
Colleen Rogers
This Sunday is Mother’s Day. As a
“women of age”, I once again find the difficulty of this particular holiday a
dull annual ache. Having lost my Mother
fifteen years ago, I can no longer focus this deserving celebration on her
magical, wonderful presence in my life.
Instead, I now feel my attention fully diverted to my own personal loss
and grief. Very early on in my marriage,
I did not carry two children to term. I
thought both times, upon the loss of each child and the ensuing pain, that this
would not be the finale of my options to bear children. My husband and I even purchased
a long wooden dining table for large family holidays, and I envisioned my son
requesting that Mom fix him his favorite dinner on his birthday—a dish that his
own wife could never quite approximate.
Unfortunately, at some point, the
blessing of childbirth no longer became a life option for me. Although I have been blessed with the
"maternal" fulfillment of teaching school, and being the “fun Auntie”, the miss of motherhood is always present in my heart. On many days, there is this stabbing sense of a
“destiny unfulfilled”. I am aware that I
can never truly understand the magnitude of seeing your own child take first
steps, learn to talk, or graduate from school.
When someone wished me the
sing-song “Happy Mother’s Day” at work, there is always the heart sinking realization
that the greeting does not truly apply to me, and I suddenly feel somewhat fraudulent as
a woman. I acknowledge their kind exchange
with a thank you, knowing that no harm was intended, but I also realize that
the undercurrent of any woman’s life is an expectation of motherhood. I have thought so many times about why I feel
the loss of motherhood so deeply, and I believe in part that I am missing the
insurmountable victory that every woman discovers as a Mom. Most Moms, in spite of their unyielding fears,
win over…
…the torturous pains of childbirth
…the comforting of the first
boo-boo
…the encouragement after falls
from the first bike ride
…the counseling on dealing with
the school bully
…the struggle over school work
…the tears over break ups
…the relief after fender benders
…the realization that they’re “off on their own"
…the biting-the-tongue over life choices and decisions
…the giving back of
grandchildren after visits
No non-Moms can truly celebrate
those deepest of accomplishments, or conquer the trail of tears toward these
victories. These badge of honors, for us
non- Moms, can never be claimed experiences, and we know it. We will never have the chance to watch the
person we created "emerge", or view our children begin a next generation, realizing
that we have truly carried something into forever. Non-Moms stand aside with the greatest respect,
acknowledging our personal loss.
With all the celebrations of
“women in the workplace”, and the equality stances for woman as professionals,
the ultimate universal triumph for woman at their core will eternally be that
life-altering first cuddle. It is what
no man can ever experience, and what all woman, at some primal level, hope to
sensation. This is the reason that on
this day we pause to recognize Moms with so many heartfelt tokens of
appreciation…
…the handmade gifts and cards
…the breakfasts in bed
…the Sunday brunches
…the flowers and candy
These recognitions are so
significant and so profoundly well-deserved, that they can never be offered to
childless women or any women "just working in an office". So today and every day I wish Moms...
blessings and prayers for exacting the impossible with grace and wisdom.
blessings and prayers for exacting the impossible with grace and wisdom.
Happy Mothers’ Day, with awe and
admiration, from
a Non-Mom
Artwork courtesy of:
Artwork courtesy of:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/family/10-things-never-say-childless-woman-50-believe/
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