On: Being Childless on Mother’s Day

On: Being Childless on Mother’s Day

Colleen Rogers

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. As a “women of age”, I once again find the difficulty of this particular holiday a dull annual ache.  Having lost my Mother fifteen years ago, I can no longer focus this deserving celebration on her magical, wonderful presence in my life.  Instead, I now feel my attention fully diverted to my own personal loss and grief.  Very early on in my marriage, I did not carry two children to term.  I thought both times, upon the loss of each child and the ensuing pain, that this would not be the finale of my options to bear children. My husband and I even purchased a long wooden dining table for large family holidays, and I envisioned my son requesting that Mom fix him his favorite dinner on his birthday—a dish that his own wife could never quite approximate.

Unfortunately, at some point, the blessing of childbirth no longer became a life option for me.  Although I have been blessed with the "maternal" fulfillment of teaching school, and being the “fun Auntie”, the miss of motherhood is always present in my heart.  On many days, there is this stabbing sense of a “destiny unfulfilled”.  I am aware that I can never truly understand the magnitude of seeing your own child take first steps, learn to talk, or graduate from school. 

When someone wished me the sing-song “Happy Mother’s Day” at work, there is always the heart sinking realization that the greeting does not truly apply to me, and I suddenly feel somewhat fraudulent as a woman.  I acknowledge their kind exchange with a thank you, knowing that no harm was intended, but I also realize that the undercurrent of any woman’s life is an expectation of motherhood.  I have thought so many times about why I feel the loss of motherhood so deeply, and I believe in part that I am missing the insurmountable victory that every woman discovers as a Mom.  Most Moms, in spite of their unyielding fears, win over…

…the torturous pains of childbirth

…the comforting of the first boo-boo

…the encouragement after falls from the first bike ride

…the counseling on dealing with the school bully

…the struggle over school work

…the tears over break ups

…the relief after fender benders

…the realization that they’re “off on their own"

…the biting-the-tongue over life choices and decisions

…the giving back of grandchildren after visits

No non-Moms can truly celebrate those deepest of accomplishments, or conquer the trail of tears toward these victories.  These badge of honors, for us non- Moms, can never be claimed experiences, and we know it.  We will never have the chance to watch the person we created "emerge", or view our children begin a next generation, realizing that we have truly carried something into forever.  Non-Moms stand aside with the greatest respect, acknowledging our personal loss.  

With all the celebrations of “women in the workplace”, and the equality stances for woman as professionals, the ultimate universal triumph for woman at their core will eternally be that life-altering first cuddle.  It is what no man can ever experience, and what all woman, at some primal level, hope to sensation.  This is the reason that on this day we pause to recognize Moms with so many heartfelt tokens of appreciation…

…the handmade gifts and cards

…the breakfasts in bed

…the Sunday brunches

…the flowers and candy

These recognitions are so significant and so profoundly well-deserved, that they can never be offered to childless women or any women "just working in an office".  So today and every day I wish Moms...

blessings and prayers for exacting the impossible with grace and wisdom.

Happy Mothers’ Day, with awe and admiration, from 

a Non-Mom



Artwork courtesy of:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/family/10-things-never-say-childless-woman-50-believe/

 

On: Facebooking

On: Facebooking

Colleen Rogers

Having been a recent activator of a Facebook account (barely two years in), I have noted the following novice social media experiences--

The Over-shared:

I have had to acknowledge an embarrassingly personal realization—I have an obnoxious tendency to “put all of my business out there” in online posts.  Unfortunately, most of my "life shares" are of little or no interest or consequence to those I have “friended”.  No one, not even “friends”, actually wishes to see my perfectly flipped cake, the Valentine’s Day dinner I prepared for my husband, or my latest professional braggadocio certificate.  I look back, and all I can do is extend my heartfelt apologies, which I probably would also post online so that everyone could upgrade my sincerity quota. (Eye roll)

The Over-friended:

I really wanted everyone on Facebook to be my “friend” from the onset.  Who wouldn’t want as many friends as an online party bus could hold?   Unfortunately, I now wade through posts of minutia similar to my own to decipher what I really hold as valuable notices from my actual true friends.  I spend a daunting amount of time reviewing peoples’ motivational mantras, VonVon games, and second cousin twice removed photos of grand babies.  How did I get so sucked in to all these peoples’ inner circle?

The Over-invited:

I do not know how many invites I have had to play Candy Crush.  I cannot play this game, nor do I do any other forms of online diversions.  I suspect that these invites to game are merely a ruse to accrue a gaggle of points at the expense of a novice player.  Momma didn’t raise no fool—I happily avoid taking the bait so as not to look like the amateur I clearly would be.  ‘Nuff said. 

An additional issue in being over invited is that I have become a “plus one” in a series of “electronic chain letters” requiring me to “copy and paste” or “forward” expressions of love and support to “ten others”, etc.  When I was a teen, I carefully boarded the Karma train and diligently advanced such letters, not wishing to break the spell of goodwill for myself or others.  In my advanced age, though, it all seems like such a ridiculous effort.  I am certain that other shiftier misfortunes will befall me besides failing to add something to someone’s wall or timeline.  Mea culpa, everyone, but if YOU really can’t sleep without the forward, you do you.

The Over-opinionated:

An integral part of Facebooking is the recorded spar.  In the safety of your own home, it is so much easier to call Jenny McCarthy an idiot, or argue over the physical stance of Colin K., hence triggering an online Roman Coliseum challenge. Fast-fingered flame wars are both entertaining and exhausting on Facebook, but these leave an electronic trail, which is off-times forgotten as traceable.  Such editorial gymnastics may impact what was previously a more positive view of your “friend”.

The Overview:

The significant benefit of participating in Facebooking has been the chance to review the cherished lives of those you do not see regularly.  Exchanging photos of events, learning about life experiences that would have fallen by the wayside in the frenzy of your own, and seeing the vantage point of others’ perspectives has changed the world in ways we cannot even begin to conceive.  The chance to follow those you would have “lost” has expanded the ripples of your life, and has given each of our personal histories a richer dimension.

Graphic courtesy of:  
http://www.adweek.com/digital/a-teen-speaks-the-pros-and-cons-of-facebook/