On: Holiday Lights

The Most Famous Holiday Tree in Chicago, in the Walnut Room of Macy's, formerly Marshall Fields

On Holiday Lights:  Slinging Fa-La-La-La-La
Colleen Rogers

My husband and I, around this time of year, begin our annual neighborhood perusal of holiday home displays.  We rate each visual offering with Simon-esque precision and a sartorial eye.  The homes that fail to meet our exacting holiday display standards get the ultimate harshest critique in a dismissive one word epitaph...
..."SLUNG".    

Mind you, my husband and I do not construct elaborate lighting arrangements for display on our own home.  We prefer to "keep it simple" with a wreath on the door, solitary candles in the window, and some door frame trim.  We like to claim this as our taste for simple, natural elegance, but I believe laziness is more of a factor than we are likely to consider.  In spite of the hypocrisy herein foretold, we do have an established rating system that you are welcome to try out this season...

1.    No blending the spiritual with the secular...

Your home loses evaluation points if you have a Nativity scene and Mickey Mouse together on your front lawn...no exceptions!

2.      No color mixing...

If your family insists on colored lights outside (ugh), then DO NOT mix them with white lights.  

3.    No inflatables...

If things are inflated and then left deflated on your lawn, know that the front of your home looks like a dive bar at last call.

4.    Cover your bush...

If your lighting nets do not cover your entire exterior bushes, be assured that your holiday bikini is showcasing your hedge rolls…and, finally, the most significant holiday lighting tip of all...

    5.  Be sure that your lights are not SLUNG...

Make sure your Winter-Fourth Fireworks' strands are neatly wrapped lovingly around each tree, and that Monsoon Winds and Weighty Snows have no impact on the precise the Trail of Lights that coil each branch.  Appear these stable displays, enduring the joys of the holiday season, fated to be removed by NO LATER THAN THE SECOND WEEK OF JANUARY.  If not as such exacted, you will hear my husband and I cackle our own jingling carol as we drive by your house..."Slung, slung, slung, oh how slung, slinging all the way..."

By the way, if you take offense, please be sure to note our Goodwill Override Rule...

 ...you may disregard any of the aforementioned rules if you are entertaining the whimsy and delight of children under 100.

Happiness at the onset of the Holiday Season!