On: Ex-Fam

On:  Ex-Fam

Colleen Rogers

I was counting yesterday, and I realized that I had over a half dozen ex- sister and brothers-in-law.

 

At one point, each of these banished people had attended the most significant celebrations of my families’ lives—they were in our company for weddings, christenings, graduations, birthdays, and major holidays.  Then, suddenly, and without much warning, they were gone.  I have embossed memories of each of them, but they are no longer weaved into the pattern of my family’s life.  They, like some expendable crew member from an exploded starship, have been ghosted. 

The expected affiliation, of course, has been to align myself with my siblings, and ex-communicate these exes from the familial circle.  It would seem to be easy enough to do, right?  In reality, though, it has not always been that much of a slam dunk.  Many of our “in-laws” have been like “extra sibs” to me.  In fact, in most cases, I have hard line struggled with their loss.  I, of course, am not stating that I would prefer that my sibling endure a difficult marriage so that I could have an extra “bro”, but there is definitely peripheral fallout from the “exes” removal from family.  Realistically, though, I have no dog in the fight.

For me, the most difficult sidebar to these situations has been the break in the relationships I had hoped to have with nieces and nephews.  If your sibling’s “ex” decides that they wish to sever contact with your side of the family, it is next to impossible to maintain consistent communication with their kids. As a sorrowful result, I now have grown nieces and nephews whose activities are known only to me through online posts.  As painful as this is, I can’t even imagine the effects of this blockade for grandparents.

For most of my “ex-fam” members, I don’t have much of an idea of their lives’ outcomes post-divorce.  It is seems odd that someone you were once so close to would become such a non-entity.  I have only vague information as to where these exes live, whether or not they’ve re-married, or if they ever had any more kids.  It is really none of my business, and I do not wish an inquiry to upset my sibling, so I don’t really pry too much. 

The only outcome for which I do have specifics, though, is of the one ex-brother-in-law who hit big on Lotto winnings mere months after the divorce was finalized.  This tale remains, to this day, "the stuff of family legend”.  Still, ex-communicated exes, according to my family, have for the most part endured a life less fulfilling and prosperous as a result of leaving our family circle.  What remains for me, truly, is the sad termination as an onlooker, one so blindingly hopeful as a bridesmaid at their wedding.

This serial monogamy of modern family life has encrypted a sort of revolving door square dance for post-baby boomer generations.  No one can be assured anymore of retaining the same Aunts, Uncles or Sibs-in-law cross-referenced and confirmed throughout several generations.  Not one of the Gen X, Gen Y or Millennials can assuredly count on an Auntie attending both their own christening and that of their child.  It is hard to visualize the meandering Oregon Trail of Ancestry.com that young people will attempt to forge someday while tracing back their roots.  Wonder if this will spur a generational trail of tears or be the inception of a new familial fluidity?  

Photo from:
https://ameblo.jp/examemaki/entry-11994036101.html